Another night on the laid back mental health floor last night. I spent most of my night over at Conversion Diary working my way through her archives. My totally awesome, long-distant, Christian friend, Elise, had posted a link on Facebook to one of CD's posts and I was instantly hooked.
Conversion Diary is a blog written by a woman who spent most of her life as an atheist, turning to Catholicism about 5 years ago. I never realized that the Catholic faith could bring about such a personal relationship with God, it boggles my Protestant mind! Needless to say, several of my former biases against this particular flavor of Christianity have been obliterated and I have a much better understanding towards those who prefer to practice their faith through the Catholic tenants. I still disagree with some of those principles, but I'm happy to know that there is life in Catholicism as well.
Anyways, there I go rambling again. What reading this blog has further shown me though is that I suck at being a Christian. I take my faith for granted. I am lazy, pure and simple.
I grew up in a Christian household. Believing in Christianity is as easy as believing in gravity for me. It's just always been true. I've seen God at work in my life, I've had conversations with him, he's answered my prayers. But normally when I turn to him it's because I've gotten to the point where I can't do it on my own. I am overly independent by nature and turning to God first is the way I should do things, but frequently NOT the way I do things. If I have a problem, I should fix it, if I can't fix it, then I turn to God. How much easier my life would be if I would turn to God first!
Like I said, I'm a lazy Christian. I know a lot of stuff after 30 years of life as a Christian. I'm very familiar with most of the Bible stories, the parables, the people God used to spread his word and illustrate his desire to get to know us on a personal level, and his desire to be the best Daddy out there! But it's all in my head. I'm not living it.
And I want to live it! I'm hoping that by putting this out there I'll realize that I need to be even more accountable for my actions and words. In the past I've not been bold about my Christianity because I knew that I was not a representation of the best that Christ has to offer. Again, I'm not the best because I'm lazy. I'm not practicing what I believe.
I need to set aside time to pray each day. Praying sort of intimidates the heck out of me. I know it can just be easy conversation, I know there's no right or wrong way to do it. CD describes her fear at free style prayer, thinking it will go something like this, "Hello? Is this thing on? Kidding. Anyway, God, or should I say 'Lord'? Anyway, this is a prayer, in case you didn't know. But you probably did. You know, because you're all-knowing God. WHAT is she wearing? Wait, sorry, got sidetracked there. I guess now I'm going to have to pray about being judgmental during prayer. Where was I?..." I feel much the same way. So, in lieu of praying 'wrong' I end up not praying at all. Unless, as mentioned before, I become desperate.
I think part of the problem with prayer for me is that I have trouble sitting still. My mind wanders. I'll start off praying and the next thing you know I'm outlining the tasks I need to do for the day. This is hardly conducive to a good relationship. Imagine if we went out for coffee and I started talking to you about what's going on in my life and then began rambling about the 3 loads of laundry, the dishes in my sink, and I wonder if anyone's posted something interesting on Facebook... You'd think I was crazy and not really interested in sharing my life with you right?
So first boggle I need to overcome is practicing prayer.
Second, I need to get my butt into church. I've got a kick-ass church to go to, but again my laziness. I could go to the evening service on Saturday, but it interferes with my nap-time before going to work. After work I'm just too tired to stay awake to make the drive to Elk River (I'm not too tired though to continue browsing the internet and watching TV).
OK, so I'm going to make these my baby step goals towards becoming the awesome example I could be to show the world God's love. Goal 1: Start practicing prayer. Goal 2: Get to church.
If anybody has any advice regarding either of these goals I'm happy to hear it! Just clicky click to add a comment!
And while I struggle with this please don't judge me too harshly for being an inadequate Christian. As my old bumper sticker used to say, "Christians aren't perfect... Just forgiven." I thank God that he's willing to put up with my mess ups and keeps giving me another chance.
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4 days ago
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3 comments:
Okay so I'm the very last person to tell you how to be a good Christian. You know that. I know that. But that doesn't mean I haven't had conversations with deitities and happen to have very strong opinions about how one should deal with said gods. You know the rules your religion has set up for you. You know what you're supposed to do. Doing it is easy. It's just stuff. The hard part is the attitude and belief. God ( in your case I'll go singular) is a living being. He lives through the faith and worship of his followers. It would probably be easier if you had found him on your own rather than being raised with your belief, but you have to take that belief and totally submit yourself to it. Be truly humble. There is no personal pride when you give yourself to a god. And above all, listen. A bible is just a book. A dead thing. It is precious to you and to your faith as a foundation, but if you listen to that without hearing the voice of the god who it proclaims to speak for then you're on your way to killing your god. Put your faith in the living god instead of the dead books and buildings. God will speak to you, but only if you listen. I know we're on polar opposites of the religious scale, but I do respect true faith in support of living gods.
So, I'm just a random visitor (Mr. Linky, on Conversion Diary...). This is just my two cents, but for what it's worth:
Don't guilt yourself over past mistakes, including "lack of a prayer life." Here's the thing with God. If you ask for forgiveness, God grants it and remembers your sin no more. That's kind of a mind-bender really because we of course remember our sin, even after it's forgiven. God doesn't.
Second thing is this: there is NO time like the present. If you want to be a "better" Christian, do it. Today when you wake up, thank God for this day to serve him. When you eat breakfast, thank God that he provided nourishment for you. When you get to your job, thank him that you have this opportunity to show his love to those you care for. Being a Christian is really about all the small things. And although all the suggested prayers above were about you, really Christianity is about the opposite. Our whole focus is other people. We love as God loves. Look for ways to show people God's love. It's as simple, and as complex, as that.
There are only two commandments in Christianity: Love the Lord you God with all you heart and all your mind and all your strength. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Think what the world could be if each Christian managed to follow those two commandments each day.
@Sarah - "Being a Christian is really about all the small things.... Our whole focus is other people. We love as God loves. Look for ways to show people God's love. It's as simple, and as complex, as that."
I love that! I often feel like Christianity should be about huge things. Giant miracles, great obstacles overcome, monstrous problems solved. Often it's more of a "what can God do for me today" mentality.
I've been reading a lot on thankfulness lately and recognizing God's gifts to us in the small things. It's helping me focus more on my relationship with him.
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